Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Sorry my hands just texted you
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
