Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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