I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
