I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
