i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
How naked do you want me to be?
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