Small penises have feelings too.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I'm having to shit out rocks
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
