all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
