The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
