ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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