good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
