words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
