hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize