Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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