i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize