I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
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