Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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