You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize