nut hugger
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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