i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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