He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
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