I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Randomize
