my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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