When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
