He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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