tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize