GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
