Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
