I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
