I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
