I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
My vagina is very pro this idea
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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