did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
