Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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