I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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