Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
i've created a new STD.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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