Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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