As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
