i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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