mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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