We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
