He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
