He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
