enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
