god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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