I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize
