I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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