And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
