just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
