so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
