Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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