I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
