End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
