I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
