It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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