I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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