I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
