I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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